Yesterday I made a big decision for my life. There is a goal that I have held onto for myself for the past 10 years of my life.
It was a goal to reach a number on the scale that for some reason, I deemed to be my goal for my body. I don’t know how I came up with the number and why that number had any significance in my life, and I held onto it like it was a mandate. Yesterday, while sitting in my home and preparing for my coaching session with my nutritional therapist, I decided to let go of that number, even though I am so close to achieving it. Now, you might be thinking, “Why??? Why now? You are so close!!”
I have finally come to peace with myself. I finally come to a place of acceptance, self love, and overall gratitude for my body and that it still decided to stick with me after all I have put it through. When I went to my session and told my coach, she basically threw her arms up in the air and said, “Hallelujah!” You see, for her, the goal was never the number on the scale. The goal was the change, self love, and acceptance that she wanted me to have for myself. I really asked myself, “Is 8 pounds really going to make me love myself or accept myself any more than I do at this very moment? Am I a failure for giving in?” And then it really came to me. The goal should never have been about the number on the scale. The goal should have been about the self realization that I am wonderfully made, that I am loved by wonderful people, by God and finally, by myself. I am a stronger, more authentic person, because I took this very long, very grueling 10-year journey. It took until yesterday for me to reach my goal. I just didn’t realize what the goal really was.
After my appointment, I posted on my Facebook, a picture of a bunch of strawberries in honor of being able to eat fruit again. I went into very little detail about my morning and releasing myself from the 10-year goal I set for myself. After that, a dear friend sent me this poem that she has been sitting with. This is 100% exactly how my decision happened and will now be a part of my Lenten meditation every morning, and thereafter Lent.
She Let Go
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
I am at peace and enjoying this next stage in my nutritional plan. In fact, I ate my new breakfast on my grandmother’s china this morning. I ate slowly, savoring every bite. It has been 14 months since my body has tasted the sweetness of fruit … the strong, salty goodness from a piece of hard cheese, and the crispiness of turkey bacon.
A stronger, more loving Jenny, makes for better focus, better strength to help those in need around me, and strength to do what we are challenged to do at this time in our country. I am so grateful to be unstuck and moving forward. Thank you to all, to God, and finally, to myself for loving me just as I am.
Today’s Daily Lenten Meditation is by Jenny Tisi, Director of Children’s & Youth Music. Watch for daily postings from All Saints Church as we take the forty day journey to Easter together.